


Jouska

by Davechicken



Series: The Pilot and his Knight [40]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 08:48:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7751062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jouska

It is something and nothing. It is. There’s no ‘real’ reason to be annoyed by it, and yet… Poe can’t seem to turn off the little niggle. It happens like a flinch reaction to touching a hot stove, or a sneeze when around too much dust. He hears Kylo say something that isn’t so much self-deprecating as… just… where do you draw the line? When is it just a joke, and when is it a symptom of a real problem? Because…

Well. Poe knows what it’s like to demur a little. He gets praised overly-much at times (especially by BB-8), but it’s not like he thinks he has a poor self-image. He thinks he has a pretty healthy one, but Kylo…

Kylo’s gone through hell, it’s fair to say. Beyond hell. And he judges himself as harshly as anyone on the base - _harsher_ , even - and although most of the pilots and base staff have now accepted him, and come to terms with what he’s been and done… but Kylo hasn’t.

And Poe thinks he needs to stop joking, because it’s not healthy. It’s dragging his past behind him, when he needs to let it go. It’s seeing himself as bad, when he’s just - he _did_ do bad things, but that doesn’t mean that’s what he _is_. And…

“Please, Kylo, you don’t need to joke about this.”   


No. That won’t sound right. Humour is a way of dealing with things that are hard, sometimes.

“Ky, babe, when you remind everyone about the mass genocide, you–”  


Nope.

“I feel when you–”  


No, no, no, no, no.

How could he say it without causing Kylo to cringe deeper into himself? He’d still have those thoughts, he just wouldn’t voice them, feeling guilty for feeling guilty for…

Poe puts his head against the fridge, feeling the mechanical vibrations travel into his skull, a non-lulling rocking. He needs to not make a big deal of it, find some way to get Kylo to move beyond it. Is it even possible? Can he help him?Every time he tries to find a way to frame this it goes so very, very wrong, and…

“Poe?”  


Poe turns, starting, guilty himself. He knows Kylo can feel his distress, and he knows he’ll feel ridiculously guilty if Poe tries to cover up why. He’ll _know_ (or ‘assume’, normally, just this time he’d be right) that it’s him. That it’s… him.

“Hey.”  


“…do… are you okay?”  


“Yeah, I…” Hands into his hair. “I just… I’m worried about you, is all.”  


“…you normally are.”   


“I know, I just…” Admit it. Be honest. Don’t lie. “When you… when you say bad things about yourself, I kind of… want to hit you. Because I want to hit _anyone_ who says bad things about you, and when it’s you I just… I just want to scream at you that you’re _not_ what you think you are, and–”  


Kylo stares at him, eyes wide. “…you… really?”

A dumb nod, eyes down, and he turns to put his back to the fridge. “Yeah. And I just. I love you, okay, and when you say bad things about someone I love…”

Kylo’s eyes crease. “You’re so sweet,” he mutters.

“I’m an idiot.”  


“You’re my idiot,” says the Knight, for once. “Come here.”  


Poe pushes off, and into his arms. “I just want you to know you’re better than you think, that’s all.”

“I’ll try to remember,” Kylo promises.   


“Good. Because if I punch you, your boyfriend would get mad and kill me.”  


“Best avoid that, then,” Kylo chuckles. “I hear he’s got a strong right hook.”  


Poe did. He really did. 


End file.
